Happy

I’ve been happy.  It’s been several years but it happened sometimes.  The day I bought my 1989 Toyota truck, for instance.  And that never soured later, I never regretted that purchase.

My Samsung Galaxy 2, as well.

I wasn’t that happy about my VW GTI as it was a compromise.  I bought it used because I’d had so much trouble with jobs, it wasn’t what I wanted and gave me so much trouble.  I still try to like it, though.

Janet made me happy.  But jobs have been so consistently negative that I no longer get very excited, I keep my expectations low.  So even my time with Janet was sour in that respect.

I don’t feel I have much to look forward to.  I think future happiness is unlikely, or at least diminished in respect to earlier times.

The sea lions on the Gold Coast were memorable, I came within thirty/forty feet of them and two bulls charged at me.   I suppose my time at Pike’s Market was close to happy but I never got back together with Janet like I’d hoped, so it, too, was sour in that respect.

Drunken weekends with Alicia were my high point after 2011.  In retrospect, I think she expected sexual advances but…  I felt no attraction.  Drunken weekends at Cadillac Ranch were my high point in 2010.  🙂

I’d like to accomplish more career-wise.  Don’t think it will happen anymore.  I would have liked more sex but likewise.

I was happy in 2006 to be in Seattle and (I believed at the time) almost divorced.  Ironically sad that my divorce was one of my happiest times.

Yes, I don’t see that I’ll accomplish much more.  I believe the wrong things about this world and they’ve became more wrong over the years.  What else would make me happy?  I can’t think of much else.  Perhaps some recognition of how hard I worked and what I accomplished.  Unlikely as well, though.

It’s not a world for us anymore.  It’s a world for small people, for false people, for false people who believe they are true.  It’s a hollow world, a Facebook world, a world of illusion for intangible people.

Negativity

I’ve just had too much of it.  All anyone can see is what’s wrong with me.  Women.  Interviewers.  My parents.  My brother.

It’s always about what’s wrong with me.

Over the past five years, I’ve done almost two thousand job applications.  You didn’t know that, did you?  Three hundred alone since January of this year.  And the jobs I managed to get since 2008 were a joke.  Three of the four I didn’t want, they called me, I didn’t ask for it.   It’s what I got stuck with.

What’s good about me?  I held up under unrelenting negativity from thousands of people and still kept trying, for five solid years.

And then I finally gave up.  🙂

I spend a lot of time alone now, like I did in my twenties.  In my twenties, I didn’t date, I just worked and read books.  Now I just read.

East Indians

My mom raised me as a social liberal and she adopted one Mexican brother, one Filipino brother and one Filipino sister.  But I’m finally sick of east Indians.  Their disingenuous manner, the constant phone and email harassment, their resumes rubberstamped with lies.

Everybody else in America gets a quota – blacks, women, gays.  Indians make up around 50% of IT positions now, so where the FUCK is MY quota, the protected quota for old white men who know more and have greater integrity?

History will laugh its ass off.  America solved the “skills crisis” by importing young (as in no experience) people speaking poor english from a backward, non-technical country.

What an amazing joke.

Sex

Years ago I read that a fair number of men quit dating in their fifties.  I thought I understood but now I do because I’m one.  I haven’t dated in several months; haven’t made a serious attempt for  the past year and had no sex since Sept, 2010 (over 2 1/2 years).

It’s not that I lack sex drive.  I read porn and masturbate almost daily.  But I have no desire to goof with real-life women.  Like job searching, it’s a lot of work and rejection which never pays off.

It never pays off.

They’re too demanding, negative, paranoid and I grew weary of pointless effort.   I need income so I still fuck with jobs but I don’t need women so I ditched them but not by design.  It just happened, it evolved from circumstance.

I imagine many middle-aged men are similar (check out the change in suicide statistics for my age group).  We spend a great deal of time alone.  We eat alone at the restaurant, I see us at the counter.  We sit at home reading alone.  We go to the movies alone.  We occasionally stop at a bar, get drunk, and then go home alone.

We sleep alone.  Sometimes we sign up for wine or tour groups, so technically we’re not alone yet we are.  We spend Saturday mornings at work, alone.  Some of us get pets, I suppose, but that’s not for me.  We buy groceries alone.

Other people notice but pretend not to.  And we pretend we don’t notice their noticing.  I wish I’d known how sucky it would be, I wouldn’t have put as much effort into Life and I would have drunk more alcohol.  🙂

Skill

What’s most frustrating about my job / career situation is that it’s not about skill.  I know more now about building software than I ever did.  In 2011, I wrote a jmx 2.0 cloud client / server piece  in two weeks, simple and clean.  Ten years ago, it would have taken me three or four times as long and with more bugs.

And the ignorant arrogance of the younger crowd.  It’s infuriating that they know so little but believe they know so much.  What they know is tactical API code which perishes in a few years, yet they read great meaning into it.   Because of their egos but also because that’s all they know.   Which, of course, is why they don’t know that it doesn’t matter that much.

Alcohol

I had two managers during my twenties.  Tony and Richard were in their fifties, divorced, owned small, seedy businesses where they drank wine and banged young women in their office.

Back then I was appalled but see now that they figured out Life better than I did.  Men my age often begin drinking because their careers are over but society wants to believe they lost their careers because of alcohol.  Not true in my case.

It’s disturbing but my best times since 2010 are drunken billiards with buddies.  The jobs since 2008 aren’t particularly engaging, women usually suck but alcohol almost always makes me feel good.  I’m not sorry I drank so much.  I kind of regret not starting earlier.

I like to joke that I’m turning gay because Jack, Johnny and Jose are my best friends and make me feel so good.